You Know You're From California When...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bullet-proof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You drive to your neighborhood block party. Your family tree contains "significant others." You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. More than clothes come out of the closets. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. Smoking in your office is not optional. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch." Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman. You consult your horoscope before planning your day. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. All highways into the state say: "no fruits." All highways out of the state say: "Go back." The Terminator is your governor You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH" You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California.

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You Know You're Filipino When....

Your middle name is your mother's maiden name. Your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy." You have uncles and aunts named "Boy," "Girlie," or "Baby." You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon." Mine by the way was "Che-Che." You call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito" and "Tita." You have four or five names. You greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead. You always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave the room. You follow your parents' house rules even if you are over 18. You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married. You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper." You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets. You have a Sto. Nino shrine in your living room. You have a piano that no one plays. You keep a tabo in your bathroom. You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellant. You eat with your hands. You eat more than three times a day. You think a meal is not a meal without rice. You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals. Your dining table has a merry-go-round (lazy Susan) in the middle. You bring baon to work everyday. Your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines. You love to eat daing or tuyo. You prop up one knee while eating. You eat your meal with patis, toyo, suka, banana catsup, or bagoong. Your tablecloths are stained with toyo circles. You love sticky desserts and salty snacks. You eat fried Spam and hot dogs with rice. You eat mangoes with rice--with great GUSTO! You love "dirty" ice cream. You love to eat, yet often manage to stay slim. You put hot dogs in your spaghetti. Everything you eat is sauted in garlic, onion, and tomatoes. You order a "soft drink" instead of soda. You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror. You get together with family at a cemetery on All Saint's Day to eat, drink, and tell stories by your loved ones' graves. You play cards or mahjong and drink beer at funeral wakes. You think Christmas season begins in October and ends in January. Your second piece of luggage is a balikbayan box. You've mastered the art of packing a suitcase to double capacity. You collect items from airlines, hotels, and restaurants as "souvenirs." You feel obligated to give pasalubong to all your friends and relatives each time you return from a trip. You use paper foot outlines when buying shoes for friends and relatives. You're a fashion victim. You can convey 30 messages with your facial expression. You hold your palms together in front of you and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV. You ask for the bill at a restaurant by making a rectangle in the air. You cover your mouth when you laugh. You respond to a "Hoy!" or a "Pssst!" in a crowd. You'll answer "Malapit lang!"--no matter the distance--when asked how far away a place is located. Goldilocks is more than a fairy tale character to you. You refer to power interruptions as "brownouts." You love to use the following acronyms: CR for comfort room, DI for dance instructor, DOM for dirty old man, TNT for tago nang tago for kill joy, KSP for kulang sa pansin, OA for over-acting, TL for true love, BF for boyfriend and GF for girlfriend. You say "rubber shoes" instead of sneakers, "ball pen" instead of pen, "stockings" instead of pantyhose, "pampers" instead of diapers, "ref" or "prijider" instead of refrigerator, "Colgate" instead of toothpaste, "canteen" instead of cafeteria, and "open" or "close" instead of turn on or turn off (as in the lights). You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days. You like everything imported or "state-side." You love ballroom dancing, bowling, pusoy, mah jong, billiards, and karaoke. You have a relative who is a nurse. When you're in a restaurant, you wipe your plate and utensils before using them. You can squeeze 15 passengers into your five seater car without a second thought. You wave a pom-pom on a stick around the food to keep the flies away. You always ring a doorbell twice, assuming that the first ring was not heard. You let the phone ring twice before answering, lest you appear overly eager. You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower. You're proud to be Filipino - and you pass these jokes on to all your Filipino friends!

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Crossed out the ones that do not apply to me.